Is that I can post things on here and there is a DARN good chance no one will read it. But if you happen to, you will be privy to some special information. I'm pregnant. Yep. Just found out. The feelings are mixed. I have known this day would come for quite some time. About the time that we were getting ready to move to CA, actually, about 4-5 months BEFORE that, my husband knelt in prayer. Just you know, night time prayer. Nothing special. He stood up and immediately said, "Oh no." When I inquired as to what the problem might be, he said, "you don't want to know.." I insisted that I DID want to know, and he said, I saw another child. Me, "?"
I was pretty much astonished. As a youth, young person, new mother, I had aspirations of having 5 children. It was what I grew up with, so, it sounded natural. After we had Jaxon, we took a long break from having kids, because, to be honest, Peter wasn't sure he wanted any more. He insists that my desire to have more children was strictly based on culture pressures, and silliness. But not so. I sincerely felt the Lord's promptings in expanding our family. Much to my husband's chagrin. ***UPDATE: I have since heard my HUSBAND tell this story, and he said that he was giving a prayer of gratitude for the opportunity to work with his dad again on a business venture. . and during his prayer, offered to do whatever H.F. would ask of him and almost immediately after, had the distinct impression we were supposed to have another child. Clear as day.
Even being a "baby person" the daunting task of parenting Jaxon for the first three years of his life, had inevitably changed his parenting desires, and he claimed to no longer want any more children. Not even the ones we ended up having. The funny thing is I would pray and pray and pray for Peter's heart to soften, and just about the time I was ready to have another baby, he would say, "okay" and we would have another baby. (He, by the way, swears he was having babies against his will.)
The thing is, this time, I was sure I was done. Certain. Kaylie has been the most challenging child we have had to date. She was a horrible baby (I'm sorry, but she was) She WOULD NOT SLEEP TRAIN. And I sleep trained all of my babies. Even Jaxon. She woke up every morning at 4 or 5 A.M. even when we were moving, and I would pray my guts out every day that she would just sleep a little longer, and that prayer was never answered.... and she would wake up by doing THIS.
I mean, if that doesn't make you want to poke your eyeballs out every single day, I don't know what does!!!! SERIOUSLY!!! She is still a challenge, and I was certain, we were done. But how could I not listen to a husband who was done after #2, and saying that now, there was an additional spirit that needed to be in our home.
It took us a long time to get to this point. A looooooooooong time. He had these feelings almost three years ago!!! I told him I would not consider it until we were well established in our new home, because I was pregnant with Kaylie when our lives were imploding, and although I knew my life would not implode when I moved to California, I also knew it would be a LOT of work, and a struggle to start a fledgling business. After we had lived here for around 9 months, Peter started in. Quite frankly, I was hoping he had forgotten. I told him there were stipulations to my pregnancy. We disagreed. We disagreed some more. And finally, he came to me and said, I don't know what else to do. This is what we are supposed to do, and I almost can't sleep at night with it weighing on me. I complied. Really, I know, that sounds horrible. Just complying in a situation like this, but I did. I was hoping that eventually I would get the answers that I needed and the faith that I needed to go through with it. I stopped using birth control. Eight months went by, and I never got pregnant. I was hoping the Lord forgot! YAY ME!. But, no. I have done all that I can to get myself "on board" and honestly, I am still not sure that I am. But I am taking the leap of faith, into the darkness. I am praying that this will bless our family with the things that we need at this time. There are people in our family still struggling with issues. I hope that some of these issues will be resolved either with this baby, or with our faith in having this baby. And so it is. I am pregnant. At 40. Something I swore I WOULD NOT DO.
But, I did.