Saturday, October 16, 2010

My blog was staring at me.

I put my blog on private last week. It was staring at me. I didn't go "private" I just didn't want anyone to look at me. . . I mean, it. I felt like deleting the whole thing. It wasn't providing me with any sort of satisfaction. That happens sometimes.





The past two years, since our move here to AZ, have been hard. We have been blessed, and we have survived. But there comes a point where you start to feel like you are suffocating and there is no reprieve. No rest. No resolve. No peace. No letting up. Just pressing forward.





At first you think, just have faith! Just move forward! Everything will be okay! Then after a few years you start to think, WILL EVERYTHING BE OKAY?





I seriously don't know. I hope that someday I do know. But it isn't today, and it hasn't been very often in the past few years. I know lots of people struggle. Lots of people have different issues. I know, in some regards, I am not alone. I know in other regards, I am.





But for the most part, people always put the "happy" on their blogs. And I just felt like I couldn't. Because there wasn't any "happy". I try to keep my blog on a positive note. I definitely share the bad from time to time. But what do you do where there is no positive note? I didn't know. So, I flipped the switch to private.





I was going to put it all out there, but not let anyone see. I was going to scream at the world, but do it all in my own head. I don't really have a support system here, and so sometimes, I have to deal with it all on my own. My blog usually provides me with the support I need. But sometimes there is no one here either.





Sometimes I can't keep it all together. Sometimes I can. Right now. It is tough. But for those of you who "checked on me" thanks. Although it wasn't my intention. It was more my intention to hide. But, thanks for checking on me anyway.





Someday, I hope to be able to post here that all my problems have been RESOLVED! YAY! But I doubt it. I would like to put a FEW to bed. That would be nice. But right now, they are all piled up, and it is hard to see out.





My next post will be cheery. Because I survived Fall Break. Without even going out of town. We kept busy. Very busy. And we had fun. I am surprised at how much I actually did. And what is more cheery than eating a strawberry topped funnel cake at the fair?



Nothing is more cheery than that. Nothing.

22 comments:

Taeya said...

You do it Lindsey!!!! An easy life would be boring...right????

Shanakin Skywalker said...

Sorry to hear that, Lindsey. It's also good to know that I'm not alone though. You know how that is. I'd love to chat about anything with you if you feel like it, anytime.

Arian said...

You are not alone. In fact, I have a blog that is private and I am the only one in the world who can log onto it. On there I talk about the less "cheery" stuff that I don't put on my family blog. I put the rants that I need to get out but don't want to bother my hubby with. Sometimes it feels so good to just sit down and write and let it all out without feeling like it has to makes sense. Perhaps that would work for you too? Good luck!

Natalie said...

I am so sorry. I can relate. To trials, to needing support and privacy at the same time to life being hard. You're doing better than you think. It will ease up and the clouds will part in time. In the mean time, just keep eating funnel cake. With strawberries, of course;). lots and lots of love to you!!!

Lauralee said...

I am sorry. Life is hard, and I can so relate... I feel like there hasn't been a lot of fun and happy things to blog about in my life, it's just about making it day to day- I know the feeling that no one really knows or gets it and that you don't necessarily want to share that much- I so get that! hang in there- you aren't alone...
the funnel cake looks awesome!

Christie said...

I feel you, honey. Had a few months like that myself. Hang in there. Tomorrow comes whether we want it to or not and it always seems to get better.

Jeanelle said...

I know you wanted to hide but you gotta let those of us who love you help (eventually anyway. I will allow a bit of wallowing.) But like I said this week, I'm here and get this: I am also an excellent listener. Things are going to get better too. I just know it. Xoxo

Hillary said...

I love you Lindz!!! Hang in there...You are one of the toughest cookies I know. Wish I could come spend another week with you! Some time soon hopefully. Also, don't down play the amazing feat of making it through fall break. That is a HUGE accomplishment!

Lauren in GA said...

I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I have struggled with depression in my life and I am sorry that you are feeling alone and isolated.

Leah said...

I agree with you 100%. Sometimes (most of the time) there is little satisfaction with blogging. Kind of like texting and email. It's not real. There's no genuine interpersonal connection. I took basically a summer break and didn't miss it at all. Then my loved ones say how they've missed me. My kids beg me to blog. I blog because I don't print pictures and it's the only place they live except for my camera's memory card. And my in-laws love it and my sisters. And my kids.

So sorry you have struggled for so long. Sometimes I think our problems don't get solved (hello autism). But I've been able to get knocked down and then back up quicker than the earlier stages. I still get knocked down. It's part of being human and having emotion and heart and care and love.

I pray that you will have some peace. Of course you won't find peace on a blog, but you'll know you have lots of people rooting for you!!! And you have a family record which is priceless.

The Grant Family said...

Awwwww....I just want to give you a big ((((hug))). It brings me back to years when I didn't send out Christmas cards/letters because I'd gained too much weight or didn't have anything good to say about a job situation or that I didn't want to put our address on the card that was STILL an apartment and not a home. Bla, bla bla! Anyway....I enjoy your blog because you're real and you say it how it is. My blog is pretty boring most of the time, but I feel like at least I'm attaching words to pictures before I forget what was going on. (since like Leah, I never print them anymore!) Besides, my kids like to read it too. Anyway, BIG HUG! So sorry that this rough spot is taking so long to get through. :P

Mom Taxi Julie said...

When I first started my blog I started it as a dear diary my life sucks kind of blog lol. I do censor myself a little bit now just because I know eventually someone's going to find it! But I do wish I could just put it ALL out there. Sometimes it just feels good to get it off your chest and it's amazing how just a few kind words from a reader can make you feel better or think of things in a different light.

jessica said...

So I need to vent in a huge way too but can't on the blog. I think we should do a private one where we can do the real ugly stuff. I wish things would take a turn for the better. I know the past few years have not been kind to you. I never forget that when I read your blog. Hang in there, I love how you keep the faith even during the struggle. XOXO!

Cassi said...

What was it about last week that just made us all want to crawl in a hole. Thanks for sharing - although I'm not happy that you're having a tough time, it helps me to know that maybe these feelings are more normal than I would lead myself to believe.

Tiffany said...

oh dear! It sounds like some depression is sneaking into your life! Hang in there and even though sometimes it is hard to choose to be happy, just do it!! But if you can't ever feel happy, I wonder if you should see a dr. It happened to me a few years ago and it really helped to get some medical help. good luck! You are a beautiful person.

Melissa-Mc said...

I hear you. I have been hiding for a year! I haven't posted since October of '09! Every few months my husband does a quick post since I can't seem to do it.

Even though I have been hiding and not blogging as much, I think about you often. I think I told you a few years ago when I got the distinct impression to pray for you.

I vascillate between "this is hard, but i can do this" to "why does it all have to be so stinking hard?"

I'm with Jessica, someday we should have a private venting blog.

Anyways, hope you are feeling better and that those hopeless days are few and far between.

Love ya,
Melissa

Mary Lynne Richardson said...

Lindsay,
I used to work with you at American Express. I have thought of you fondly throughout the years, and we had a conversation about religion that was a real turning point in my life. I have always appreciated you.

I'm not sure how I found your blog, but I'm so glad I did. I love reading it. You have a real talent for writing, and are so funny.

Hang in there. Heavenly Father loves you. I know he does.
Mary Lynne

liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
liz said...

Linsey- I am just reading this now. Sorry for the late reply. Thinking of you and I am here. I am not the greatest friend in the entire world, but I am here! ;-)

x

calibosmom said...

I have wanted to have a private rant blog as well. If you decide to start one, I'm in too. Life has been all over the map for me as well-sometimes I blog about it but mostly I don't. I prefer to keep things positive too but sometimes you just want to scream on here. Funnel cake always makes me feel better too.

Lindsay said...

You will notice on my blog I will sometimes miss weeks, bc like you said...some weeks just aren't happy. It's usually my fault too. It just means we're normal. Hang in there, the weekend is just around the corner...

Jill said...

Oh man, my heart is aching for you...sorry I am reading this so late. Apparently you are back off private, thank goodness, and hopefully over your emptiness for the time being. I TOTALLY understand what you are saying though. Man life really sucks sometimes. It's okay to feel that. And I TOTALLY get the blog thing...I've thought several times about deleting too. Ugh. Anyways, overall, blogging is good, it brought me YOU and many more fabulous friends. And life is good, it's full of joy and sorrow and all the things we've always wanted to experience. You are so dang awesome. You are seriously supermom and you deserve exaltation. I hope you have a fabulous week. I love ya girl!!!!

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