I am in love. I think the season is getting to me because I have moments where I am just overwhelmed with L.O.V.E. (I am sure sleep deprivation is causing quite a bit of emotion too)
The past 9 months, I have been gestating. Not just a baby, but a new life, extreme challenges, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, wonderful blessings, calm and peace only the spirit can bring, and new love for my husband of 9 years.
I have shed more tears than I could have possibly imagined. I have asked why. I have cursed the heavens. I have resigned myself to God's will, I have overcome my frustrations, I have truly let God and let go.
You see, back then... we were on our way to a new life. But, apparently it wasn't the new life we THOUGHT we were getting. It was the new life Heavenly Father wanted us to have. He knew that it would be life altering. He knew that we would become stronger because of it. He knew that I would eventually realize that if I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did, I would have NEVER had a fourth child. He knew that these challenges would forever change my husband from the person I knew he was into an even better, more focused, more spiritual person than he was before.
We lost a lot in the process. A lot of $$$$$, a lot of hair, a lot of friends (from moving away), a lot of sanity, a lot of peace and even MORE SLEEP.
We gained grey hairs (I finally got one), new help for Jaxon, a new daughter and a better life. (We haven't yet gained back the sleep)
But here we are at the end. (kind of) Looking back, and BEGINNING to realize why it all went down. All I can feel is love. LOVE. L.O.V.E. In a whole new way. Don't get me wrong. It was rough. Rougher than I thought my life would EVER be. But I am grateful because now I see what I have. Now I see some light. Now I see that maybe Heavenly Father knows the plan a little better than I do, and now, I have more faith to let him be in total control. (Because I never even REMOTELY had control of this DOOZEY) I just had moments... Moments of inspiration. Moments of peace. Moments when I knew exactly what I needed to do to help my husband endure and find peace even in the most difficult of times. It is a horrible experience to watch someone you love suffer and struggle when there is nothing you can do except try to support them through it all.
We grew. We grow. We are still growing. We have a L.O.N.G. way to go to get back to where we were (stability wise).... But we are on our way.
Peter starts work on Tuesday.