One Month In

Well, I've made it a month. Honestly, this little boy is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Honestly. He isn't doing great at night, but he so makes up for it during the day. He is sweet, and never cries in the car, okay, he cried ONCE in the car for 3 minutes and fell asleep. I get everything done I need to. He does't fuss at me unless he's hungry. He doesn't even really fuss at that even. He just kinda fusses. I mean, to say I am in love is a total understatement. I am so grateful. I mean sooooooooooooooo grateful.

Kaylie, when she was a baby would fuss all day, and then was horrible at night too. I mean, I don't love getting up at night, I am not great with being sleep deprived, but I can't help but love him because he is so sweet during the day! Lays on his playmat for 45 minutes. WITHOUT FUSSING. I mean, what newborn does that?!?

I have had a fussy day or two with him, and he has a hard time getting back to sleep at night mostly because of bowel disturbances. But honestly, HONESTLY, I'm so happy we have him. I know that he is a huge blessing to our family. The biggest issue I think I have is that this child will not be in Kindergarten until he is 6. SIX people! That is forever!!!! But it's okay. We'll find a good private school. ..hahah.

Honestly, I don't have much else to say. But I wanted to be able to look back on this time. It's crazy busy, and I am not working as much as I could or should, but I am enjoying it tremendously!

I'm really gonna eat my words.

Charlie brings me to tears, often. I had the craziest day. I planned a cooking day with my friend to make freezer meals. We cooked from 9:30-1 pm and didn't even finish our four meals. Charlie slept on the counter top in his car seat from 9 until 12 when I fed him, and changed him. 

Then I threw him back in his car seat and drove to the biggest trailer event we have ever had. It was an utter disaster! We did 130 pizzas out of the trailer, tons of specialty orders, and I would be surprised if 75% of the people got the right pizza. It was completely nuts, Peter was out of his head stressed, I was trying to make tons of people happy and Charlie slept in my car until 3:30 (no babies were harmed in this story. The windows were down, and it was not a hot day) I nursed him at the event, went home, cleaned the insane cooking day mess. (While Charlie was can changed and cared for by abby. Man, that's so nice) He cried during his diaper change and then was just happy as a calm.  I nursed him again because I hadn't really done a great job at the event... I threw him in his car seat and went to dinner with Peter. (We decided we deserved it, AND we didn't want to deal with a kid dinner time... We were both exhausted. We had abby make Mac and cheese at home for the kids)   He slept through dinner and I realized the kids had piano recitals tonight! We raced home, I started to nurse him again because I was going to take the kids to piano, and Peter decided to take them instead. I slowed down and tried to give Charlie a normal evening out of his car seat. I turned on the bath (keep in mind, he's cried a total of three times all day for a grand total of 15 seconds) he watched the water with a little calm smile on his face... He let me bathe him, and didn't even fuss. I carried him upstairs to dress him. He layed on my bed perfectly quiet while I rubbed lotion on him, and talked to him. And I just started to cry. 

First of all, he's a miracle. The fact that I got through this day with him at my side all day is amazing. He never gets upset, and if on the rare occasion he does, he immediately stops if you pick him up. Even if he has a messy diaper. He layed on my bed for about 30 minutes while I helped the

younger kids clean the playroom (it was destroyed during cooking time) and when I walked back into my room, he was quietly laying there looking around. It's as if he never worries or fears. His presence is that of peace, and I don't know about your kids, but I've never seen anything like it from a newborn. 

At times I worry that maybe he is to calm. Like, maybe he is not thriving. I worry about him being so calm he's going to die of SIDS. (Yes, I'm displaying irrational thoughts and/or behaviors) Honestly, he's just so special I'm looking for a reason. And I guess the reason is just that we had him. 

I am so blessed. I want to remember days like this, where I thought I was the luckiest mom in the world...

I guess it's to be expected

I don't so much feel the need to post pictures here because they are all over social media! But I do need to post the feelings that I have had since our baby was born. I guess it is as would be expected. Because after years and 9 months of dreading this baby, it is finally over, and he is here. Most of me expected that he would be just a dreaded after he came out. But I was wrong. So very very very wrong. He is sweet, and patient, and an excellent nurser, and he's calm and lets anyone hold him and I am blessed beyond measure. Now, I know he is only 6 days old, but I feel the blessing of having him in our home already, and to think I doubted for a minute his presence is ridiculous!

 I am in love, and he is wonderful. I was scared the first few days. Overwhelmed and even a bit blue. Being locked in what feels like a cage (hospital) away from family and friends for a few days will do that to you! The hospital didn't have a nursery either, so, it wasn't like I could go on vacation for a few hours a day. Or at night even, so coming home to the people who make it so made me happier than ever. It is crazy, and it will take some adjusting to, but I am grateful, and so so so happy, and every time I look into his face, I feel blessed.

Can you imagine? What a blessing. Part of me even feels a titch guilty I dreaded him so much. (But not really) because it was hard! It was asking a lot of our family, and of me! But I can see it now. He is here with purpose and I can feel it. That heavens for blessings, and for diligent husbands, because without Peter's sure knowledge of Charlie's presence in our home, he most certainly would not have come to be.

So, so, blessed.

Let's talk in a week shall we?

Almost there, and none too soon.

Abby came back! And thankfully, my prayers were answered. We ended our barrage of summer activities with a trip to Spokane for the 4th of July. It.was.awesome. All my kids are old enough to handle a plane ride without too much trouble, they were easy going and enjoyed themselves everyday. Yet another reason having this baby seems like such a sacrifice! We may have waited just a bit too long. I'm getting way too comfortable in my parenting job.

Maybe that's the point. But it is really really really nice to have a reprieve from the drum beat that is infants and toddlers. I would imagine by next year, when kaylie is in kindergarten, I will be happy to have my sidekick and be enjoying time with him even more.

As with all pregnancies, I am quickly losing patience about being pregnant. One: I got pregnant in time for a summer pregnancy. Being your biggest in the hottest months is a total nightmare. I personally think I am handling it pretty well. I am sure there are people in my house that would disagree. Two: I have gestational diabetes. The absolute worst pregnancy symptom because you can't eat anything. I'm serious. It's all salads and protein and it sucks. Bad. And three: actually, I take back what I said about gestational diabetes being the worst pregnancy problem. It is actually vulvar veins (look it up) yeah, those. Never had them before, never had gestational diabetes before, so just when you think your done with your last pregnancy at 40, those two beauty's rear their heads. Not a great time, and pretty much every day I wake up, I hope it's the last day I'm gonna be pregnant, and yes, I have 5 weeks left.

I know. But I can't help myself. Maybe having the kids in school will help? I've gotten nothing done in the last three weeks. Here's to hoping having the kids in school actually allows me to get my crap together before this baby arrives. Please! I hope so!!!!

My how things change

Depression GONE!

Looking back at those few weeks where I was crying every morning, I think it was more due to extreme stress that my body didn't know how to handle. Why is the end of the school year so crazy! Not only is it your absolute craziest time with your own kids, but  it the craziest time with my work too, and I obviously found it completely overwhelming.

You know, this blog, since becoming private, has become more of a journal for me. There are so many other outlets for day-to-day celebrations. I enjoy having someplace to go to express myself though, or to keep track of what is going on in my life, and head.

Abby is on her second week of being gone. I WOULD say that it's been so hard, and I am missing her, but actually, we have faired okay. Dealing with teen angst turns out to actually take quite a bit of managing, and so, maybe I feel like I'm getting a little break? The 6 hours she was home on Saturday of last week were rough. She was exhausted (read:grumpy) and I wanted it to be  so happy and fun and it kind of wasn't. Everyone wanted her attention, people's feeling got hurt, and maybe some fingers slammed in the doors from wanting to be with her. It wasn't quite the blissful reunion I was hoping for.

Here's to hoping for a more peaceful return this time around?

I'm gonna pray my guts out for that one.

We've been keeping ourselves busy with Tennis for Wade, and Swimming for Kaylie. I purposely made ourselves kind of busy this summer because I didn't want a lot of time at home where I was trying to keep everyone happy. There are too many different personalities in this house to make that work. Also, everyone around here immediately resorts to the TV when they are "bored" which means that I am constantly telling people to turn off the TV. We have put a moratorium on the TV until 3 everyday. Which is about the time I get sick of entertaining everyone. But, with our activities all mixed in, it hasn't been too bad. I am happy to find myself sitting near the end of June. Which will soon lead to a trip, which will bring me back to July. Not too shabby when the kids start School in August (the 12th). However, for once in my life, I am not looking forward to the drum beat of school. It starts early, and it's incessant. I am hoping for a small reprieve in the fall. OH WAIT! I'm having a baby!

I would be lying if I said I knew exactly how it was all going to go down. This I can tell you. I am scared.

In the depths

So, this is a depressing post. Warning.

I'm kind of in the throws of depression right now. I'm hoping I bounce back sooner rather than later. I wouldn't say I've been clinically diagnosed, but it is pretty obvious when we wake up and am crying every morning by 8 a.m.

I'm having some serious tweenager frustrations. Namely, she doesn't really care about anyone but herself right now, and that is hard. Really hard. I need her to not be that way right now mainly because I don't have the patience to deal with it.

Isn't that a horrible reason? I am fighting my own battle every.single.day. I hate this feeling too, because I know it's just hormones and I know there is pretty much nothing I can do about it. I can see it, feel it, I know what is happening and I know why, and it makes me even more frustrated that I can't stop it or change it, and unfortunately no amounts of caffeine or chocolate seem to be a cure.

Luckily, Peter is being more patient than he has ever been regarding my status, but I seriously don't know if I can take three more months of this!! It seems to have snuck up on me mainly in this last trimester, and I'm not a fan.

I have never experienced post pardom depression, to my knowledge, mainly because I am so stinkin' happy that I have that baby out of my body!! Oh happy day!!!!

So here I sit. Sad.

It's annoying.

The School Year is Ending (and I am so grateful)

Life is demanding for sure. With 4 kids in the mix, it is no wonder that I am exhausted most of the time. Being pregnant at 40 is about what I expected it to be. Except for a couple of bad side effects. 1) No "getting your energy back" in the second tri-mester. Boo. Very sad to find that out. I am sure that it has NOTHING to do with my work/home schedule. NOTHING. And 2) which I found out recently, my morning sickness has COME BACK. YES COME BACK. I had no idea that could even happen, and I find it very disconcerting to say the least. Who isn't over joyed when you finally stop feeling nauseous about week 14? Who isn't elated??? NO ONE. That is why I found the re-occurrence of this nuisance particularly upsetting. As a particularly yucky side effect. Most of my pregnancies have been relatively easy, but I am finding this to definitely be my hardest because I am exhausted most of the time, and now I have to add back to that, nausea. I cried in my living room for a good 20 minutes over both facts today. I have to hand it to Peter, now, on my 5th pregnancy, he doesn't look at me like I am completely insane for crying for what may be no reason. Today, he just sat in the living room with me until it looked like I might be done.

Since I don't have much good to say about pregnancy, let's go to the kids. Shall we?

Abigail: Age 11 (soon to be 12) 6th Grade at Temecula Preparatory School.

Abigail is still sorting her way through life. She's starting to see more ups and downs of teenage hood come along. Although, I would say she generally meets them with not too many issues. She helps out (for the most part) but still detests cleaning or being organized. Something i'm sure I will have to work with her for the rest of her time here in my home. I apologize in advance to her future roommates, and husband. May they be patient and not be neat freaks.

 TPS has been a complete Godsend for Abby. It has forced her (as much as it can) to be a responsible student  (YAY!) I am super scared about next year and her ability to juggle 7 classes. Hopefully she will make the transition with ease. She spent the first two semesters at TPS on the honor roll, but has dropped off the last two semesters. It's GRAMMAR that has stumped the poor kid, and it's stumped me too. I have to admit, I don't remember doing very well with sentence diagramming, but she never brings home any homework or assignments, and therefore, its tough to help her get on top of it!!!!

She is in swimming and I wouldn't say she LOVES it, but she does it. She is still taking piano, and over-all, keeps a pretty tight schedule just with those activities. The work load at TPS is a lot, but I am still grateful she is there and is learning the importance of education and doing well in school. She excels at History, and Geography and Reading. She definitely has her strong suits. Right now, she is at Astro Camp with her school and couldn't WAIT to get there. Seriously, going away for a few days is all she could think about. This girl is going to hop the nest as soon as humanly possible, I am sure. After school, we are having a little party for her (I hope it's little, she's invited her class, and I'm scared about how many people are going to show up. Really scared, my hope is for no more than 20)  She then gets to go to girls camp, which is so up her alley it's not even FUNNY. And then, as a surprise, she is going on a Disney Cruise with her grandparents. She has no idea, and she is going to be THRILLED!!! If I can manage, we are going to Spokane for the 4th of July, and Utah for the 24th, and honestly, I just hope I live through the summer. That is all.

Jaxon: Age 9 (soon to be 10) 3rd Grade at Alamos Elementary.

Jaxon's status seems like it will never change. He LOVES to draw cartoons, make up cartoon stories, and watch cartoons. Basically, and no, i'm not kidding, he is one big CARTOON. Just now, when we were working on scouts and I asked him a question about Great Americans, he paced around like Charlie Brown explaining the Declaration of Independence. Well, at least SOME cartoons do some good. He seems to be doing okay in school and is in mainstream classes a couple subjects a day. He gets lots of support for writing and spelling, and this year is a much better fit with his teacher, and I am SO grateful for her. She has made a big difference for him.

He is also taking Piano, and says he hates it, but I don't care. None of my kids are dropping out, because I am still mad sad my mom didn't make me keep taking piano. End of story. Some day he will thank me, I just know it. He is in basketball, and I think he likes it, but he definitely has struggles regarding his abilities. It is hard to watch. Sometimes painful. My prayer is that someday he will "grow out of" some of his truly autistic traits, but until then, you just have to love him. Even after he unloaded dirty dishes into my cupboards for the hundredth time today. You still just have to love him. We are feverishly working on Scouts right now, because with his disability, I am BASICALLY getting is awards with him. Lots of hand holding is involved, and during the school year, I just don't have time to do that, so we are busting it out now. Hope we get it done! :)

Wade Age 6 Kindergarten at TPS.

Wade hugs me without being asked, tells me how much he loves learning in school, and loves to be smart. Not to mention, he actually IS very smart. Reads like a whip and is doing difficult math work. Does that tell you enough? He is also diplomatic, charismatic, and overall likable kid.  He also, just by fun facts, likes to tell me that he doesn't like it when my hair is up, and likes my hair down and curly. Yes, his is going to be one of those guys who has a say in how his woman wears her hair. Much to my dismay.

I am grateful that my children are not all the same, because that would be boring. I may be a better mother if I didn't have to deal with so many differences, but having a child like Wade makes me so grateful because I can truly appreciate those differences. NOW, (this is for my mother) Wade may be my EASIEST child, which makes him my favorite by default, which I think is TOTALLY fair. HOWEVER, this child is NOT by any means perfect. He can be stubborn, also hates to clean/pick up, and is way too enamored with video games. There mom. He is not perfect, and I never said he was, AND he gets into trouble just like everyone else.

He is also in baseball, and for some reason, there is nothing I love more than to watch that kid play baseball. He genuinely loves it, but he loves all sports, and enjoys every second of them. It is fun to watch him play because he has a natural love and aptitude for all sports. We are even giving tennis a shot this summer because he talks about how he wants to play tennis all the time.

Kaylie Age 4 Preschool at Miss Michelle's.

This girl is everyone's favorite drunk. The thing Peter and I say to her most is, "Kaylie, you are talking TOO LOUD!!!" Everything is max volume to her and there is no stopping her. She is boisterous  loud, and even too aggressive. However, she is actually pretty darn hilarious  and knows how and when to make people laugh. She's got great comedic timing. She loves being girly. LOVES her new room, (finally out of a crib at 4 years old) and is going to have to share a room with our new family member. Hope she doesn't mind!!! She loves Barbie Videos, and my little ponies, and can play with them endlessly. It reminds me of the hours I would play with Barbies, creating stories, and working them out in my head. She does this with Pony's and I love watching her do it.

We have had problems as of late with her aggressive personality. One of which includes someone berating me the other day at Wade's baseball game because my daughter beat up her daughter. Yes, she was speaking of our 4 year old Kaylie, and her 8 year old daughter... Yes, my 4 year old beat up her eight year old. I think she wanted to press charges on our 4 year old. I'm glad she didn't. When I asked her why her daughter didn't defend herself, she had no answer. It was a bizarre moment, and unfortunately, one that I hope to never endure again, but probably will.

Our only hope is that someday we can channel it into sports? Luckily, she loves sports and loves  to play anything that her siblings are playing. My biggest challenges are keeping her busy. Luckily, we have preschool twice a week, and 1/2 day daycare twice a week. One of those days, her favorite bestie Daniella) is also there and she counts down the seconds until she can go to Miss Sarah's to see Daniella. Unfortunately, Daniella is going to Kindergarten next year. Nooooooooooooooo! And Kaylie still has another year of preschool. Ack. Oh well, hopefully we will find a new bestie to play with.

Just a glimpse into my life currently. Thought I should document how  it "was" before this baby hits the scene. . .

Coming Around

When I look into the back seat of my mini van, I can hardly believe it is full, and I can hardly believe that I am going to be adding another body back there. At the same time, each time I check our my rear-view mirror, this scripture comes to mind.

3 Lo, ^achildren are an ^bheritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his ^creward.

5 ^aHappy is the man that hath his quiver full of them.

Luckily, I think I am coming around. If I don't stay too focused on sleepless nights, and how I am going to juggle activities for the other kids with an infant, I actually get a little glimmer of excitement. 

It's kind of like it's contagious. The person in my family who is the most excited is Peter. I can honestly say, this is the first baby since we had Abby that he is "excited" for.  Not sure why he wasn't super excited about Jaxon... I think there was a lot going on with work, and he wasn't in the best frame of mind in life. We all know, since last post, he didn't "want" Wade, or Kaylie. It's actually fun to have him back into "liking" babies. He is, after all, the baby whisperer. Babies love him, and are always happy in his arms. I sure hope that is the case with this baby, because I am going to need all the helping hands I can get!

Also, with obedience comes blessings. 

We sold a home in Spokane. We still have a home, but we sold one. The "albatross" as it were. We lost of lot of money, it's a hard pill to swallow, but in the same breath, it's a blessing. We won't be losing money every month, (like we were) and although the "investment" didn't turn out like we had hoped, we did get "some" out of it, and it is going to help us, a lot right now.  Like, a lot, a lot. We are blessed, and it is amazing to feel that sense of relief. Almost like we are being released from a millstone that has been about our necks for 5 years. 5 YEARS! 

That is a long time. A looooooooooooooooong time. 

With Obedience comes blessings. 

Year In Review

I can hardly believe this will be our SECOND Christmas in this house. A milestone for the Wynia family for sure. I think, to date, we have now lived in one house longer than anywhere else in our entire lives. And you know what? It feels good. I think the timing was right. I really didn't mind being a vagabond for several years. I like the cleansing process of a move. Reorganizing my life. Purging the excess. It feels good. The actual MOVING part is not much fun, but I like the rest of it. But it also feels good to be in one place.

It's hard to think back a year ago. So much of my life is just getting through that particular day. I can't believe that it was almost a year ago that Peter and I went to Jamaica for my parents 50th wedding anniversary. What a blessing that trip was. We don't have the means, or opportunity to do that much for ourselves, and it was such a welcome trip after so much. The spring seemed like such a mellow time. I didn't have anyone in any sport (except for Wade in baseball, which he LOVED) and it was so nice. After a long (and hot) summer, I was super excited for the kids to get into school. I was so relieved with the choice to go to the Charter School, and looking back now, I realize that it was such a blessing in disguise. I didn't have the time, or wherewithal to figure out where my kids needed to be. When we moved here, I just put their names on every single Charter School list I could think of. To know that we live so close (not as close as our home school, but still) and to know that my kids education is so great is such a reassurance that we are in the right place. The school has done the most for Abby, getting her to take responsibility for her work, not missing assignments (which was difficult at first, and we had a big learning curve) and getting her to really apply herself in school. She made Honor Roll the first semester, and I think she made it again this semester. She is the biggest challenge in our family right now. I think it is that "tweenager" thing coming around. . .

Jaxon has finally gotten himself settled into school. With a change in teachers this year, and being at the same school  WITHOUT a principle that saw Jaxon as a major roadblock. With her gone, he has a clean slate, and he is happy, well adjusted and even doing well in school, and he is being mainstreamed more as well, which makes his mamma happy. He is behind in general in his education, but we are making good strides, and I am happy to see his progress.

Wade, the golden boy. I'm not gonna lie, he's pretty fantastic. He is smart, happy, and pretty well adjusted. He has some angry bear moments. But for the most part, he's a pretty great kid. He doesn't love to clean, or do chores, and he likes to play video games far too much, but great, really great. I'm sure he'll have some problems. Doesn't everyone?

Kaylie, dear Kaylie. My saving grace is that she goes to preschool two days a week, and daycare two days a week so that I can work. Honestly, the biggest blessing of my life, because that girl is A LOT to handle. Love her to pieces, and when she is being sweet, she is very very sweet, but  when she is being bad, she is HORRID! (Bless her heart)

Me, I'm doing well. The kids are keeping me VERY busy, and I now know what it means to be hauling a bunch of kids around to various activities, helping with homework, being a slave to schedules, and running around. It's a different life. One that I didn't think would be so overwhelming, but, it is. I am trying to make sure that it is not excessive, and that we still fit in the things that are important, however, that is not always the way it works out.We fall behind, and make mistakes for sure. I'm trying to juggle more balls than ever before with work, home, housekeeping and everything else. Sometimes I am astonished with what I can do. Other times, I don't want to do a darn thing!!!!

Husband, the stores are doing well, still lots of work, constant state of progression. We are learning to balance. Together. It is hard when you run your own business to not be constantly drawn to working on it, or being at work, or working, or worrying about work. But it is getting better, and we still love it. We will love it a lot more when we get to see the "fruits" of our labor, but, we love it.

You know what I like about this?

Is that I can post things on here and there is a DARN good chance no one will read it. But if you happen to, you will be privy to some special information. I'm pregnant. Yep. Just found out. The feelings are mixed. I have known this day would come for quite some time. About the time that we were getting ready to move to CA, actually, about 4-5 months BEFORE that, my husband knelt in prayer. Just you know, night time prayer. Nothing special. He stood up and immediately said, "Oh no." When I inquired as to what the problem might be, he said, "you don't want to know.." I insisted that I DID want to know, and he said, I saw another child. Me, "?"

I was pretty much astonished. As a youth, young person, new mother, I had aspirations of having 5 children. It was what I grew up with, so, it sounded natural. After we had Jaxon, we took a long break from having kids, because, to be honest, Peter wasn't sure he wanted any more. He insists that my desire to have more children was strictly based on culture pressures, and silliness. But not so. I sincerely felt the Lord's promptings in expanding our family. Much to my husband's chagrin. ***UPDATE: I have since heard my HUSBAND tell this story, and he said that he was giving a prayer of gratitude for the opportunity to work with his dad again on a business venture. . and during his prayer, offered to do whatever H.F. would ask of him and almost immediately after, had the distinct impression we were supposed to have another child. Clear as day.

Even being a "baby person" the daunting task of parenting Jaxon for the first three years of his life, had inevitably changed his parenting desires, and he claimed to no longer want any more children. Not even the ones we ended up having. The funny thing is I would pray and pray and pray for Peter's heart to soften, and just about the time I was ready to have another baby, he would say, "okay" and we would have another baby. (He, by the way, swears he was having babies against his will.)

The thing is, this time, I was sure I was done. Certain. Kaylie has been the most challenging child we have had to date. She was a horrible baby (I'm sorry, but she was) She WOULD NOT SLEEP TRAIN. And I sleep trained all of my babies. Even Jaxon. She woke up every morning at 4 or 5 A.M. even when we were moving, and I would pray my guts out every day that she would just sleep a little longer, and that prayer was never answered.... and she would wake up by doing THIS.



I mean, if that doesn't make you want to poke your eyeballs out every single day, I don't know what does!!!! SERIOUSLY!!! She is still a challenge, and I was certain, we were done. But how could I not listen to a husband who was done after #2, and saying that now, there was an additional spirit that needed to be in our home.

It took us a long time to get to this point. A looooooooooong time. He had these feelings almost three years ago!!! I told him I would not consider it until we were well established in our new home, because I was pregnant with Kaylie when our lives were imploding, and although I knew my life would not implode when I moved to California, I also knew it would be a LOT of work, and a struggle to start a fledgling business. After we had lived here for around 9 months, Peter started in. Quite frankly, I was hoping he had forgotten. I told him there were stipulations to my pregnancy. We disagreed. We disagreed some more. And finally, he came to me and said, I don't know what else to do. This is what we are supposed to do, and I almost can't sleep at night with it weighing on me. I complied. Really, I know, that sounds horrible. Just complying in a situation like this, but I did. I was hoping that eventually I would get the answers that I needed and the faith that I needed to go through with it. I stopped using birth control. Eight months went by, and I never got pregnant. I was hoping the Lord forgot! YAY ME!. But, no. I have done all that I can to get myself "on board" and honestly, I am still not sure that I am. But I am taking the leap of faith, into the darkness. I am praying that this will bless our family with the things that we need at this time. There are people in our family still struggling with issues. I hope that some of these issues will be resolved either with this baby, or with our faith in having this baby. And so it is. I am pregnant. At 40. Something I swore I WOULD NOT DO.

But, I did.