Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Struggling

Peter works late 2 nights a week. But I have prided myself on getting all the homework and reading done on my own. Hey, I think I am doing pretty well for having an infant on hand! I recently got Jaxon a "Hooked on Phonics" work book and CD. (On Major Clearance at CashBaq!) Anyway, he had been doing so well and was totally picking up on reading! I tried to read with him last year and it was dismal. He could barely remember ANY sounds and always got them wrong.

It had been a few days since we had last practised. A lesson usually takes about 20 minutes. The in-laws came into town on Friday, so, Thursday night was pretty much the last time we had sat down to work on it.

It went horribly. He was getting "p" "d" and "b" all mixed up and a few times just completely guessed at words without even trying to sound them out. I was devastated, and became quickly frustrated at his lack of concentration. It was almost unbearable to get through a page. I made him stop several times to focus just on letters and sounds and when he would start again, he would be fine. However, a few minutes later it would all be jumbled up in his head again.

It was painstaking, but we finished the page. I put my arm across his chest and laid him down on the bed (we were sitting on the edge of the bed in the room with the only cd player in the house--darn ipods). With frustrated anxiety in my voice I sighed and said, "Jaxon! What happened!!??? You were doing so well a few days ago! You knew all of these words!"

And then something I didn't anticipate happened. His eyes welled up with tears. We were both lying down, gazing straight into each others eyes and there was such a clarity in those big green eyes. He started to cry. Not in a sad way, but in a truly frustrated way and said, "I can't help it mom. My brain doesn't always know what to tell my mouth. And sometimes I look at a word and I just don't say the right one!" Tears started to flow from both of our eyes and I took a few minutes and told him it would be ok. I told him I KNEW he could do it, because he did it just last week! I told him we would practise (earlier than right before bed) every night, so that he can learn to read. He seemed, for once, relieved that I was going to help him and that he was going to make it. So many times I think that he doesn't really worry about his life. That he doesn't think about the future, but after last night, it was clear to me that he DOES care and in the worst way possible he wants to be "normal".

It is heartbreaking to watch your child, who has his obvious impairments struggle with the reality that he is different and suddenly realize that his differences are causing his struggle. He wants to badly to have friends, be liked and do well in school. I realized last night that I have a huge responsibility to do every thing in my power to give him those opportunities. And I will. Day by day, minute by minute. . reading one word at a time. We will do it, and he will win. I just know it.

9 comments:

cher said...

Wow. I'm inspired to be a better mom. Thanks!

Ilene said...

I can't even imagine how frustrating it would be to know something but not be able to express it.

What a strong guy you have; still willing to try despite the difficulties he encounters.

I hope Jaxon and you can experience many opportunities together. Heaven knows you both deserve it.

abbyandcompany said...

I think many children, inluding my own, struggle with learning how to read and remember sounds, regardless of whether they have a disability or not. I think the fact he can articulate it is pretty impressive!

jessica said...

Of course he will win! You are his mother! I will email you soon with some reading helps...being that I am a reading tutor and all, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Did you know I taught autistic kids for two years?....We need to chat.

Emily said...

What a sweet moment to have with your little guy!!

Leah said...

Wow, I love those little "window to their soul" moments. I think that is the main thing we all naturally miss with these amazing kids...they are thinking and feeling more than we know (because they hardly ever tell us!). And every now and then you get those little window moments that surprise us.

I SO remember feeling and thinking your very thoughts you wrote in this post. I thought elementary years were very hard. But every year gets just a little bit better. Thank you for being so open and honest. You are doing a great job, Lindsey!

calibosmom said...

What a sweet and sad moment. What a good mama you are. You took the time to listen to Jaxon. He will forever know you are in his corner and you will see him through whatever comes his way.

Natalie said...

what a lucky boy he is to have you. what a lucky mom you are to have him. precious spirits. both of you. xoxoxox

Melissa-Mc said...

This post made my eyes start to water. You are a great mom.

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